Death by Swing Set (weatzie) wrote in sexlikeboys,
Death by Swing Set


today i spent the lions share of the morning in the "feminine needs" aisle, stocking the various obvious sundries involving the female plumbing structure. this could have easily ruined my day, blissfully it didn't. however; it is my bar-none, least favorite section of the store to work in. i've been avoiding it like the plague for months, but with a slightly diminished workload (and a not insignificant modicum of piss-poor timing) i ended up there without the flimsiest of arguments against the task.
it's not that i have negative feelings toward tampons. i'm not fond of pads, and i really don't get the idea of pantyliners, but i don't dislike them or the concept behind them. my main issue with aisle four as a whole deals with the OTHER ephemera displayed. let me play for you on my mandolin of rancor:
for the sake of argument, let's say i'm closing in on my date with the dirty red. i go to a drugstore to purchase the necessary crap involved in my unfortunate gender, and to make the scenario more realistic, lets say i'm cramping like mad and cursing my uterus.
as i hobble toward my destination (noting the gargantuan sign hanging above aisle four reading the aforementioned "feminine needs").
keep in mind ladies (i'm going out on a limb here and assuming the members of the gender that can take a piss standing up have ceased reading by now) my only afflictions are pain and the impending flood.
but what am i greeted by on this journey?
first thing in the aisle, to your right: diet pills, energy bars, slimfast, diuretics and thirty-seven flavors of ephedra.
ok, so not only am i cramping and messy, i'm also fat and slow...
two feet down; again, on your right: powders, wipes and liners: to combat "an excess of personal moisture"...
great! cramping, messy, fat, slow and soaking my damn pants!
five more steps: the evil that is massingil plus generics for every floral atrocity therin their line, "sudsing personal cleansers" crosslisted as "body wash" (that genre is one aisle over, by the way) and thirty different kinds of pregnancy tests.
let me get this straight, i'm cramping, messy, fat, slow, soaking my damn pants, dirty, possibly knocked up, and my stuff smells rotten? fuck!!!
and at the end of the aisle: personal lubricants, "stimulating creams" and herbal supplements diagnosing and claiming to treat "irritability"....
so that would make me cramping, messy, fat, slow, soaking my damn pants, dirty, possibly knocked up, stanky down below, somehow dry (despite the state of my pants) frigid, and "irritable"... .
irritable? i'm a fucking mess! thanks, drug emporium! i never would have known this without you! boy-howdy, with service like this, why shop anywhere else?
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